I found an old journal while going through some boxes in the garage. There were only a few entries, all from the middle years of my first marriage.
Writing my thoughts will not be easy. I have a tendency to run away from myself and from whatever is difficult in my life. I have put a great distance between myself and how I live, and finding out who I am and where I am going will be a long and difficult task. I am nearly twenty-seven years old, my marriage is falling apart (something that I cannot comprehend, even though I am told it is so; I find it equally difficult to comprehend the fact that I am married, since I rarely feel married. My marriage seems like something that is not a part of me, although I could not live without it.), and I am not reflective. ... God exists, but he does not seem to affect my life in any meaningful way. I work for him anyway, because I believe that I am accomplishing some good.
Tonight my husband said that we are two different people, and that he’s not going to fight anymore. I said nothing, but I wanted to throw all the dishes and glasses out the window or against the wall. I imagined that they would make a satisfying crash that would adequately represent my marriage falling to pieces. Except that it seems that no one will be around to pick them up. I had the very clear sense that he has given up on our marriage. His ultimatum that he will leave me if our marriage doesn’t improve hasn’t helped my state of mind. ... I don’t know what happened. I am not the same person anymore. Tonight, when I have finished writing, I am going to sleep on the living room floor. I felt such coldness from him tonight, although it wasn’t as bad as the night before he left to go to America. That was total rejection, and I don’t know why I didn’t sleep on the couch that night. What must I do?
Here I am again, trying to make sense of myself and my marriage. Right now I am feeling pain, and I don’t know how to stop it. My mental state has improved since yesterday. I’ve managed somehow to pull myself together. Yesterday I was so distraught that I almost told C everything.
I had a dream that I could fly. But it wasn’t like my usual flying dreams. It was difficult. It was more like swimming through the air.
Not going to counseling this week was a wise move. I had time to pull myself together, and I feel more able to face the counseling session this week. I decided that [he] should have his way about the porn tapes. I’m not sure whether my principle about this has changed or not, but I can psychologically accept it. ...
"Run!" I shout to her through the years. "Run away as fast as you can!"
Not hearing me, she hangs on until the sad, bitter, grinding end.
Posted by on Friday, August 29, 2008 at 7:47 PM
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